2.0 Lance Robert Marchesani

Wow, two posts in 10 days.  That has to be some kind of record.  Well, I have asked you all to join me today, or whenever it is you get around to reading my drivel, to discuss the concept of the second child...  First thought is...  ACK!

Leah is now less than a month from her due date.  Vincent was six days early, so it is not unreasonable to think that Lance could be here within three weeks.  I have had many many thoughts, feelings, dreams and nightmares since Leah told me she was pregnant (actually, I told her...  I have an uncanny ability of remembering her cycle).

Initially, the feelings are nowhere near as overwhelming as finding out the first time.  The first time it is like looking into the brightest light you have ever imagined and you can't look away.  It is new and amazing and bright and beautiful and mysterious.  And when you are married and want children, it is also universally positive and exciting. Remember, I started this segment with initially.

I think women gestate for 9 months because that is how long the idea takes to get used to; for men.  See, we men, we have no choice but to try and be involved with the pregnancy stage by thinking about all of the crazy crap that is about to throw our lives into complete and utter upheaval.  Women, get to experience having a child while they actually go through the process of growing one in their wombs.  Example, women, pretty much from the moment of confirmation of a pregnancy will start to change their eating habits either for good or bad.  They will stop or significantly lessen any alcohol.  They become less concerned about going out and having fun because, frankly, being pregnant is apparently ridiculously exhausting. (Understandably so) There are lots of other things that go on that change a woman's life from the norm.  No reason to go into all of them, and having a penis, I can not possibly know most of them.

Men, we are fairly selfish in our thinking, at least I was/am.  Less free time, less money, less sanity, etc.  Then, once you get through those basic ideas, you move on to the fun topics of can I do this? How do I do this?  WHY did I do this? Someone once told me that everyone screws up their kids.  The issue is how permanent and debilitating is the damage. Knowing how damaged I am/was/will be I feel like I was starting WAY behind the 8-ball.  All I could think of was how can I make this kid everything I wasn't.  At least the early years (meaning until like 30) were a bit rough.  Things are pretty great now. There is a line in a song a friend of mine gave me called Legacy that is "What if I do my best but still give you the worst of me, oh no... don't want to do that to you." That thought kept me up nights.  What if you do your very best and that isn't enough.

Well, over the nine months of Leah's pregnancy, those were the thoughts that haunted me.  Now it is three years later and we have an amazing almost three year old who I couldn't be happier with.  (Outside of the spontaneous times where I think about whether or not I could actually help him reach the farm across the street with my foot if he stomps his feet and says no one more frickin' time.) He is brilliant, has a great sense of humor and I can't imagine a child being cuter.  So, all in all, things turned out pretty amazing.

However, I feel like trying to replicate these early successes is tempting fate.  I know I have a plethora of bad qualities and rottenness in me and Leah, God love her, was no princess growing up.  What if he has my cynicism, my smart ass mouth without the good natured self-deprecating undertones...  Basically, what if he is an asshole?  I mean, we have all met assholes and it isn't like there is just one couple in Wisconsin having them all and shipping them around the country. I know he is going to be different and I know that once he arrives I will be blown away about his singular beauty and his own individual personality.  I know this...  I just have a hard time thinking it. If you have met my three siblings and realize that we all actually came from the same two people you can understand how the "What if..." fairy has a ball with parents when they go beyond the first child and venture into the unknown of the genetic crap table that is having children. Well, in 3-4 weeks these curiosities and fears will start to be answered...  and the "What if..." fairy is ordering another bourbon as we speak...  bastard.